Clouded Destiny
by Eniko
Summary: Every man has a story; every soldier, a soul. (Slash/Yaoi)
1. Chapter 1

Email: MercenaryEniko@yahoo.fr

Disclaimer: These aren't my characters, they're from Final Fantasy 7.

Distribution: Ask first, or else I will not be a happy camper!

Feedback: I like feedback lots!

Novice, blue eyes with a shimmer of green stared fixedly at Zack. Cloud had a head of spiky, blonde hair, and a strong, lean body hiding under the sleeping bag in which he was supposed to be asleep. The two boys were in SOLDIER and Cloud couldn't help but feel lucky that they were paired to go on a mission. Zack had been in SOLDIER for a little longer than Cloud, whose eyes still scintillated with an unspoiled view of the world-- a pure mind. 

Naturally, he looked up to Zack and was surprised to find that it took everything he had to keep this mind on the monsters they fought. Strands of Zack's black hair would cling to his sweaty face which was slightly dirtied with mud that splashed when a creature protested their efforts to kill it. The perspiration glinting on his muscular, well defined arms distracted Cloud. 

So as Zack now slept in his sleeping bag, Cloud curled up in his as he turned onto his side to keep warm and to feel hidden in case Zack awoke. He couldn't risk Zack noticing how he was staring so longingly. Watching the shadows from the fire dance on Zack's face, Cloud pursed his lips and battled the desire to wake Zack and tell him everything. His muscles shuddered involuntarily when the feeling became too much.

He had given no previous indication of having feelings for Zack who had given no indication in turn. Cloud wondered what he was dreaming about, what was behind those deep, sea blue eyes. The fact that they had the ethereal glow of mako in them made Cloud think of a lagoon. He wondered who it was that Zack thought about. Was it Cloud? Was it the girl he had mentioned? Sephiroth even? Cloud felt silly thinking such things, Zack didn't give any inkling of liking other men.

Cloud shuffled in his sleeping bag and stared at the sky. Wondering, "Should I say something? Would he never speak to me again?", Cloud thought that he might spoil their friendship. He felt selfish; how could he make Zack feel so awkward just to unload his own burden? But the thought that he might be able to share Zack's nagged him. Cloud rubbed his eyes, rested his lower arm on his forehead and sighed. This was confusing to him; his insides felt like they were twisting and he almost couldn't hold in his longing anymore, "I love you..." He whispered, staring at the night sky. So many stars...

But there was only one star for him. Yes, Zack was his light in the darkness of the endless battles. Zack gave Cloud inspiration to follow his dreams day to day and he needed that. Cloud was beginning to feel the emotional drain of fighting and he wondered how Zack must feel; Cloud knew he must need a light of his own to keep him going. Wondering if Zack's light was, in fact, the girl, Cloud sneered and looked away from the sky. He didn't like feeling dreamy. So he decided to stare at Zack for a little while longer, letting a sigh escape, unchecked, from his lips. Examining Zack's flawless skin, a darker complexion than his own, the soft strands of hair hanging lightly in his face... He looked so untainted. Untapped. It made Cloud want to take everything bad from the world, just for him.

He had seen Zack stare into space. That unmistakable glassy look that produced a glare over those wonderful, blue eyes. Then when Zack noticed he was somewhere else, his eyes darted to see if anyone saw. Cloud did. The pained look on Zack's face when he would look at his hands made Cloud want to hold him. He wanted to make him feel loved, to let him know that there's something worth fighting for, even though he felt used by Shin-Ra. All for money and power. But wasn't that what they fought for? However Cloud had a feeling that he should set aside his ambition to be like Sephiroth because his time with Zack might be cut short. And though he failed to tell Zack his feelings, there was always tomorrow-- hopefully. Cloud closed his eyes and drifted to sleep, hoping he would meet pleasant dreams with Zack to satisfy his urges and hopefully quell his desire to reveal his secret.

***

Dazed, Cloud kept his eyes closed and heard the sounds of a crackling fire; he wondered what time it was, because it was still dark outside. Opening his eyes, he realized that Zack was no longer near him. Cloud looked around to see Zack sitting in front of the fire, not far away. The look on his face told Cloud that he was brooding again; Cloud wondered if his mind was playing a gruesome moment from his time so far with SOLDIER, like a broken record-- for if mending it were possible, it would still never play the same again.

It was interesting to Cloud how Zack normally seemed down to earth and bright, but kept this side of himself so discreet. He wondered if Zack intended to show it when he did; it was like he wore a mask when other people were around-- to keep their spirits up, maybe, but Cloud didn't really understand until it dawned on him that he does somewhat of the same thing. Nervous all the time, he stays quiet. He realized Zack, doing most of the talking in their friendship, didn't know much about Cloud. Sighing, Zack ran his hand through his thick, spiny-looking hair, which bounced back up when he returned his arm to rest on his knee. He turned his body around to see Cloud looking at him. He didn't appear startled, but he was still for a moment, which lasted forever to Cloud. Caught off-guard and quite pale, he tried to say something out of nervousness, but for that very reason, he couldn't speak.

"Hey!" Zack's eyebrows lifted, "Can't sleep?" He smiled, as if nothing were wrong-- even his eyes sparkled. Maybe it was just the fire giving his eyes a green luster because the mako caught the light, "Why don'tcha come sit here?" Zack patted the ground next to him and nodded to it with his head.

"Uh--um..... sure...." Cloud's voice quivered, but he was always that way. Even after he joined SOLDIER, he didn't know what to do with himself if someone was friendly to him; he never really had friends as a boy-- or did he? Cloud went to sit next to Zack, who grinned at him.

"Somethin' bothering you?" Seemed there was no fooling him.

Cloud looked to the ground and shook his head. He looked up at Zack and then cleared his throat; after the long silence, Cloud managed to say, "Anything on _your_ mind?"

Zack smiled mysteriously, "Only the troubles of the world." He liked to make a joke of everything; it seemed to help him cope with his grim situation. The mask again. Cloud couldn't understand how Zack could keep it up, because he himself was beginning to falter. He always saw Zack as a very strong person, though.

Cloud sighed, "Yeah?" and he fidgeted with his gloves. 

Furrowing his eyebrows, Zack leaned his head back and looked up to the sky, "Y'know..." This was how he began all his speculations about the universe, "We fight a lot, and where does it all end up?" 

Cloud shrugged. He didn't care much about the planet and he didn't think it cared much about him, since it didn't really tell him itself, being inanimate and all.

"Whaaat?" Zack looked sideways at him, "Oh you don't care, do you?" He smirked, upturning the side of his mouth, which flattened his lips.

Cloud shook his head, what _did_ he care about? The answer came immediately and even though it was obvious, it still surprised him-- Zack. Cloud's face became flushed and he looked to the ground.

"Heh," Zack snorted, "I guess you really don't after all, do you? I suppose you wonder why I even bother..." Cloud guessed he was thinking about the girl. The two _were_ close and Zack still seemed to care for her, still wasn't over it. By the way he described her, she seemed spirited, quirky and many other qualities Cloud admired in Zack. Suddenly, Cloud was overcome by a curious desire to know why they had to go their separate ways.

Gazing into the now smoldering fire, Zack seemed so melancholy that Cloud wondered if he realized he was showing this hidden side of himself.The side concealed under a bright smile and strange comments. Feeling proud that he was privileged to see Zack in a more plaintive state, Cloud rubbed the lower half of his face to keep it straight. He wanted to make sure he didn't give away a certain secret if he were to keep any facial expressions unchecked. After the long silence, Cloud thought he'd cheer Zack up by changing the subject, but nothing came to mind to talk about-- no surprise there.

"Hahah," Zack smiled and softly smacked his knee. Immediately Cloud looked up, furrowing his eyebrows. Zack lifted his hand, as if he were going to put it on Cloud's shoulder. He blushed; but it was merely a friendly gesture, "I wasn't laughing at you. You just make funny faces when you're uncomfortable." Cloud thought, "Which is all the time." And he expected to hear it, but as he noticed Zack looking into the fire again, he said in a quiet voice, "Sorry..."

Cloud lifted his eyebrows and wondered why he was sorry! Was Zack sorry to make him nervous? Did those blue eyes see someone else as he apologized? Was it the girl? 

Cloud yawned and realized that by the heaviness of his eyelids, he was sleepy.

"Why don't you get some rest." Zack nodded his head to the sleeping bag; his hair swung with his movement and he added, "I'm gonna turn in... in a little bit." Cloud nodded awkwardly and then crawled into his sleeping bag. Still wanting to talk to Zack more, or at least listen to him, be near him, Cloud felt restless. He wondered when Zack would sleep; he was worried because he had a feeling that Zack wasn't by the circles under his eyes.

***

Cloud became conscious and felt the warm sunlight on his skin. It was energizing and made him feel like the color was back in his face, although he knew there was nothing he could do about the pallid ghostliness of his complexion. Opening his eyes, he saw Zack, asleep. Cloud thought that he might take the chance to admire Zack's features, if only for a little while, the two of them needed to get to the town on the other side of the mountain. After staring at Zack's soft, black hair, strands of it hanging in his face, he reluctantly got up and thought he would let Zack sleep a little longer while he equipped himself.

Taking care not to poke himself on the spikes, Cloud put on his shoulder armor and then picked up his buster sword to tie onto his back. He wished he knew how long ago Zack had gone to sleep. Even though they were soldiers, he still thought Zack deserved and needed a good rest. He kicked sand over the rocks and wood that used to be a brightly burning fire and then rolled up his sleeping bag. Standing over Zack, Cloud kneeled down and shook his shoulder; he got close to Zack's ear, as close as he dared and whispered, "Zack." He shook again, "Zack, wake up!" 

"Mmm?" He looked up, groggy. Cloud nodded and held Zack's sword. Zack rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair; he grabbed the sword's sheath and stood up, "Good morning," he smiled. He tied the katana to his belt and rolled up his sleeping bag. 

Cloud nodded, "Mm-hm." And he looked at the ground to Zack's side as he stood up.

Zack, still smiling, turned his head to Cloud, "Well, are you ready to go?" He slung his bag over his shoulder and started walking. Cloud shuffled behind him silently, occasionally clearing his throat until Zack decided to speak, "It's a nice day, don't you think?" He stopped walking and turned around to look at Cloud, who stopped when he saw Zack's boots stop and set down his bag. He looked up and felt awkward since last night he thought about Zack more than he usually did; blocking these thoughts from his mind was becoming an increasingly arduous task. Zack tried to comfort him with a smile and he reached to pat him on the shoulder and started to say something, but Cloud jumped back. He averted his glance and held his other arm, making a sort of shield from Zack.

The expression on Zack's face made Cloud's heart sink. He hated to reject Zack so outright, but he was feeling particularly introverted and not receptive to someone else patronizing him. But that lost look, the emotional blow Cloud dealt to him-- Cloud didn't move. Zack walked ahead and the only sound was his feet crunching the sand and dirt mixture close to the mountain. He slowed down and Cloud noticed he turned his head ever so slightly to the right as his eyes glanced to the side. Feeling regretful, Cloud picked up his bag and slowly walked to catch up with Zack. 

He felt so stupid. All he could do was beat himself up inside as they walked up the mountain, which wasn't as steep as he thought it would be; Zack picked the route and Cloud agreed, although he felt it was a little out of the way, but then again Zack had been on this side of the Nibelheim Mountains before. Cloud hadn't been to Corel either and that's where they had come from, they were too late for some business with a fire; Zack made a stop there on their way to Nibelheim. But Cloud's thoughts moved back to the way he had treated Zack and he cursed under his breath. That was certainly no way to treat a friend, but he didn't feel- No. No excuses. He wouldn't forgive himself for rejecting Zack, he decided. It wouldn't be fair to Zack to let the pain of his action subside. 

After the climb, the two descended and then arrived in Rocket Town, where Cloud would meet the man who inspired him to join SOLDIER. He always wanted to be like Sephiroth and he was delighted when Zack first mentioned he went on missions with Sephiroth. Zack had told him about Sephiroth's amazing power and presence and Cloud figured since Zack saw the excitement in his eyes, he would tell him about the battles for which Sephiroth was most famous. Now the thoughts of meeting him made Cloud forget about belittling himself.

Walking into town, Cloud first noticed the giant green rocket leaning sideways and stared at it with wide eyes.

Zack smiled as he looked at it and then elbowed Cloud, who blushed, "Follow me, we're gonna meet Sephiroth at the inn. He probably has our sleeping situation sorted out already." He made a swift gesture with his hand as he beckoned Cloud and took a step toward the inn. He opened the door and held it for Cloud, who was right behind him. They walked to the clerk, who looked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Cloud supposed he was worried what trouble they were bringing to Rocket Town. The man pointed behind them and as Cloud turned to the couch, he saw the back of someone's head. Someone with elegant, silvery white hair and long bangs that waved from side to side as the man sitting there turned his head when he heard Zack and Cloud. 

Sephiroth stood up sharply and turned. His long coat floated around with him and his hair seemed to jump slightly when he stiffened his posture. Now facing Zack and Cloud, he had a pleasant expression on his face and Cloud wagered he reserved a smile for someone who deserved it. Nodding his head, Sephiroth extended his hand to Zack, "Nice to see you again, Zack." And then turned to Cloud, whose eyes were wide as saucers, "And you are?"

Zack informally pointed to Cloud with a thumb, "This is Cloud."

"Hello Cloud, I hope we work well together," He looked over to Zack for confirmation.

"Oh yes! Cloud is new, but he has potential. I see big things for this guy!" He beamed as he slapped Cloud on the back. 

"Well... shall we?" Sephiroth looked toward the stairs, "I'll show you where our room is." The three of them walked up the stairs, Cloud lagging behind Zack and Sephiroth, who paused as he reached the top, "Ours are on the right and I managed to get a room with three beds."

Zack wiped his forehead, "Whew! I was hoping you would, I'd hate to sleep on the floor." Cloud figured he'd be the one sleeping on the floor, but he would expect Zack to offer; he's a generous person. 

Sephiroth opened the door and then faced Zack and Cloud, "You're free to wander about the town, but I recommend we all go to sleep early."

Zack stretched, "I have some business to do, so.... why don't you hand me your bag, Cloud? I'll go buy us some potions."

"Oh," Cloud handed his bag to Zack and then shuffled around in his pockets. Zack started to walk out, "Wait, let me give you some money." He looked at Zack, pursing his lips and tilting his head toward the floor slightly.

"Don't worry about that, Zack and I have money given to us by SOLDIER." Sephiroth said.

Cloud looked to the floor, "Oh...."

Sephiroth lifted an eyebrow as he looked at Cloud; the sunlight caught his green eyes which had a strange mother of pearl gloss to them. They enticed him, but at the same time reminded him that he was on his first mission, his chance to prove himself. Cloud sullenly ambled outside to walk around town and stare at Zack from a distance. He wanted to stay back and talk to Sephiroth, but he didn't know what to say and he felt very nervous around his idol. Cloud didn't know he'd be so attractive either; he imagined Sephiroth to be very handsome but, he thought maybe the fact that his mind had been on Zack the past few days had lessened his anxiety of meeting Sephiroth. 

He wondered if Sephiroth could read his mind. Cloud felt so ashamed, the feeling washed over his body. His sudden wave of self-consciousness hit him and he felt like he had to hide, he wanted to die rather than feel like this. Hurrying back into the inn, wishing he could fade away, rather than feel this horrible anxiety and feeling that everyone in the world was staring at him. He didn't notice Sephiroth, sitting by the fire again, as he rushed up the stairs. He opened the door, threw his spiked shoulder armor and sword on the table in the room, and pathetically crawled into the bed closest to the window and farthest from the door. Pulling the blanket up to his face, Cloud felt his anxiety subside, but he still felt as if everyone suddenly knew everything there was to know about him, as if they all looked down upon him, ready to bring judgement. Wanting to sleep more than anything, he closed his eyes. It was his only escape from this feeling and his disappearance lasted the rest of the day and through the middle of the night.

When he woke up, he turned his head toward the window and looked outside. He got up because he saw the swing moving on the porch of the store across the way. Staring out the window, he put his glove to the glass and wanted to hold Zack after what he had done to him earlier, or yesterday. He thought that telling him his secret would make him feel better. Maybe if Zack knew someone loved him and cared for him, he wouldn't be up so late and he wouldn't look so lonely. Cloud decided and he started to walk by impulse to make sure he wouldn't change his mind.

But he heard a shuffling in the bed by the door. Turning his head, he saw Sephiroth looking at him. This reminded him of earlier that day. The worst feeling in the world. He felt like Sephiroth was piercing him with that steady gaze. He didn't say anything to him, so Cloud stared at the floor and shifted nervously, before taking a step out the door.

"Wait." His thick, creamy voice reverberated in Cloud's head.

Cloud stopped dead in his tracks. Did Sephiroth want him to stay back? What did he want to say? Could he, in fact, read Cloud's mind? Now he was sweating. He stammered, "Y-yes?"

"Look at me." 

Cloud looked up and noticed how strange Sephiroth appeared in the dark. His hair seemed to give his head an ethereal glow and his eyes were green and shimmered like scales underwater on a sunny day.

Sephiroth lifted an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes, "I see how you stare at Zack."

Cloud's face went pale and his heartbeat raced to no end. He almost audibly gasped, if it weren't for the fact that he hardly spoke at all. He averted his eyes and they darted around the room at everything to the side of Sephiroth on the floor.

He felt something graze his face softly. Quickly looking up, Cloud felt Sephiroth push him into a chair by the table, "There are a lot of things you don't know about him. So don't judge him too quickly."

Cloud was beginning to feel more uncomfortable than usual, and in the worst way. Sephiroth leaned toward him as he placed his hand on Cloud's cheek and kissed him. He immediately panicked and struggled, but Sephiroth was too strong for him. He relaxed as Sephiroth held down his hands and let his knees and body hold Cloud's feet and legs in place. Sephiroth relaxed his grip and sat back against the foot of the bed. He rested his arm on his knee and Cloud turned his head to the side, but kept his eyes on Sephiroth. His astonishment caused him to let his lips part. 

Suddenly all the wonderful things he saw in Sephiroth were crushed by this act. He pushed himself back into the chair and fought the tears rising to his red cheeks. Something told Cloud to run and run he did. He sat on the couch downstairs in front of the smoldering fire, hugging himself. Cloud slid to the floor from the edge of the seat and sobbed softly. The image of his hero was shattered and he forced a kiss on him. Something he hoped Zack would be the first to have. 

The next morning Zack shook his shoulder, "Wake up! It's time to go, man. Why are you down here anyway? The manager wasn't too happy." Cloud looked up to see Zack and felt better. But his eyes wandered to the side where Sephiroth was, "Cloud you look _absolutely_ terrible. Don't worry though, we'll have another night to rest before we go up to the Nibelheim reactor." This news weighed on Cloud; another night near Sephiroth scared Cloud, scared him to think what might happen next. 


	2. Chapter 2

The three of them left Rocket Town and headed for Nibelheim; tagging behind Zack, Cloud tried to keep his distance from Sephiroth, who was in the lead. Cloud couldn't keep his eyes off him as last night replayed in his mind ad infinitum. Still unable to believe it, he shook his head, wiped his brow and watched the sand pass by underneath his feet. They weren't what was moving, but the world was turning and taking him where he was going with Zack and Sephiroth- Sephiroth who hurt Cloud more than he thought someone could. Even rejection from Zack probably wouldn't hurt as much as the fact that his idol, the person he looked up to, crushed Cloud's image of a valorous hero. Not even hearing the sound of his boots crunching the coarse sand anymore, Cloud staggered. Zack brought him back to reality by gripping his shoulder, "Hey, buddy!"

Cloud's heart stopped. Embarrassed that he was acting so strange, he thought Zack or Sephiroth might think less of him. Cloud looked around nervously, starting to sweat, "Uh... Um..." He shifted uncomfortably. 

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and impatiently folded his arms, "We need to get going." 

As Cloud swallowed the saliva which was quickly building in his mouth, the pained look on his face changed as he raised his eyebrows because Zack tilted his head down as he leaned in toward Cloud, "Okay?" His eyes looked up at Cloud's. Turning around, Zack nodded to Sephiroth who snorted and sharply turned after glowering at Cloud. The dirty look caused him to flinch and he began to wish it was just he and Zack again. He liked it then. He liked thinking of Sephiroth as someone who should be placed on a pedestal, liked looking at Zack and listening to Zack and now he didn't have a chance to tell Zack how he felt. Cloud wondered if the chance to confess would come again.

The sweltering desert, unforgiving and open, made Cloud hotter as they neared Nibelheim. Sweat dripped down Cloud's temples and his throat began to feel dry, gritty even as he looked down at the sand. He wanted some water and a strange thought entered his mind. He saw a bead of sweat drop from Zack's jaw line and trail down his arm; it travelled the curves of his muscles, to his hand and it found its way to his fingertip. Cloud couldn't help but think of licking it off his fingers, his tongue pleasuring Zack as it moved up to his arm, to his lips, begging to be kissed. Or perhaps it would move down and Zack would moan as Cloud- but then he shook his head and found himself embarrassed that he was so aroused. As he looked up, he saw Sephiroth glance back. Caught in his erotic thoughts, Cloud felt a sudden surge of electricity through his body and he blushed. Could Sephiroth really read minds? Was he that powerful? 

Now that he was thoroughly embarrassed again, Cloud's feeling of everything moving slowly began to take over, but he fought it. He wanted everything to move at the same pace and he couldn't bear feeling any more ashamed of himself than he already was. He stopped walking and staggered for a moment. The sound of his feet moving irregularly on the sand made Zack look back. As Cloud lifted his hand to his head, he thought he heard Sephiroth yell, "Cloud!" and he thought he saw Zack looking down at his face. This made him realize that he wasn't standing anymore and that he lost some time since.... He didn't know when.

***

Opening his eyes, Cloud looked at the first thing he saw: the ceiling. It felt like it was mid-afternoon. Light-headed, Cloud wondered how he came to be in this bed and under this strange ceiling. He turned his head to the left and saw Sephiroth staring out the window, with his hand resting on the sill. Upon further inspection, Cloud realized that the great old mansion was visible outside, over its wrought iron gate and gardens. He rustled out of bed and then stood over next to Sephiroth who said, "There's something about it..."

Cloud decided to be brave; he couldn't make himself out to be any more of an idiot than Sephiroth probably thought he was, "....What is it?" His voice was small.

Sephiroth sighed, "Zack's visiting his family." He sounded slightly annoyed.

So what? He didn't ask about Zack, "The mansion." He didn't understand why he felt so brave all of the sudden.

Sephiroth paused for a moment and shifted his weight to his other leg, "Something familiar, but I can't quite place it."

"Oh..."

"Yes, 'Oh'."

Both of them stared at it; Cloud hadn't seen it for at least five years and he almost forgot what it looked like, almost forgot about _it_. Sephiroth was a mystery to Cloud. He was such a powerful man that he seemed to emit power, he was overflowing with it like a bath tub gone unchecked for too long. It was a warm, attracting aura even though Sephiroth himself seemed cold. Cloud wanted to bask in Sephiroth's light, which he hadn't taken the time to noticed or appreciate before. 

Now what had happened last night... or possibly even the other day seemed like a dream. Cloud thought that he must've dreamed it up. That's right. Sephiroth didn't really force a kiss on him. His hero didn't hold him down to a chair like he was just some weakling to control. No, of course not. Zack spoke highly of Sephiroth so he must be a good guy and Cloud wanted to be more familiar with him, but he thought since the opportunity had presented itself, he would find Zack and see if he could muster the courage to confess. 

Taking one last look at Sephiroth who was lost in the view outside the window, Cloud turned to see where the stairs were.

"He carried you all the way here." 

Cloud stopped and looked at him like he had said something Cloud would never have expected. 

Sephiroth sighed, "Yes?" 

"R- um... really?" 

Sephiroth nodded, ".......We needed to arrive as soon as possible to check out the reactor. We can't stand in the desert because of you."

Cloud blushed and looked at the floor before he started to walk down the stairs. Thinking now was a good time to confess to Zack, he hesitated and then forced himself to descend. 

He had never really been in the inn when he was younger, but it looked like a completely different place- familiar, yet so different from the perspective of someone taller and older. The strange feeling of familiarity tickling at the back of his mind, but not yielding anything provocative or significant, made Cloud feel inadequate. As he uncomfortably forced himself to stand in that one spot, Cloud felt out of place, as if someone put him there, but he didn't belong. He looked around at the clerk and knew who he was, remembered him from his childhood, but it meant nothing to him. He was only there under someone else's power and that he was the same person who left five years ago. Did he only fear that he was the same person? He certainly learned something about himself when he met Zack, but did that change who he was? Cloud thought that it certainly took a lot for a person to grow, but then he wondered: if people grew everyday, would they, after a time, forget they can change? 


End file.
